How was I supposed to know the Greek Gods are real? I wasn’t exactly taught that in school, but nonetheless I get lost in the woods and wind up in a God’s vineyard. While I was marching through the vineyard trying to find my way to the nearest road, two women made of vines escort, or rather drag, me to the main villa. I’m thrown down onto marble tile in front of a lounge chair with a large man, a woman and man draped on top of him. His purple smoking jacket showing basically all of his chest and stomach, though his grandiose beard actually blocking some of his chest from view. He actually doesn’t look that far off from the depictions I’ve seen of him, so I know pretty much right away he’s Dionysus. Then I find out the second plot twist of today, trespassing is a sin punishable by death. It’s not like I meant to get lost and wind up in his vineyard. Dionysus speaks for the first time after his lackey tells me of my crimes.
“If you can make me laugh, I’ll forgive this indiscretion,” he sounds very drunk. Though from what I remember of my Classic’s class, he is the God of wine, so he probably always sounds that way.
I wrack my brain for something funny, I draw a blank.
“If you fail, you will be drowned in the ripest of grapes. My servants will smash you under their feet while they create my wine,” he says to add insult to injury.
I zoom back in time to my middle school years, when I learned quite a bit about the Greek Gods. I remember Dionysus is the God of wine, the vine, theatre, and religious madness. He likes orgies. He was an outsider on Mount Olympus, because his mother was mortal. Semele was his mother. I think about how he brought his mother back from Hades and gave King Midas the ability to turn anything he touched into Gold. A light bulb goes off in my head.
“May I ask you a couple questions, your Godliness?”
“You may,” Dionysus waved his hand at me in laziness.
“Is it true you brought your mother back from Hades?”
Dionysus looked at me sharply, “Yes, that’s true.”
“Is it true you gave Midas the golden touch?”
He was starting to become impatient, “Yes, true as well.”
He leaned forward and stared at me as I said the last line.
“Is it true you resurrected Midas just so that he could have a starring role in Goldfinger?”
Dionysus paused for a moment before letting out a roar of a laugh,
“That’s so bad it’s actually good. I did enjoy that movie.”
He leaned back into the waiting arms of his consorts.
“You have amused me, you may live. Leave now,” and with that the door to the front of the villa opened, I walked as fast as I could without running.